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Becoming Aware of the BRPE's Adapted From the Work of Troy Love.

Updated: Apr 12

Relationship are complicated, our emotions can change in a nanosecond and lead to disconnection and conflict. One way to reduce the conflict cycle is to become aware of your interactions that include BRPE's, not that awful exercise, but....

Blame- I criticize my partner to reduce my emotional overload or pain.

Instead share what is going on with you without blaming your partner.

Rescue- Instead of listening and being with my partner, I feel uncomfortable and try to rescue or fix their concern.

Instead sit with your partner and hear them out. Validate what they are feeling and ask what they need in the moment, even if you can't change the situation hearing and validating your partner undoes their aloneness and lightens the emotional load.

Protest- I complain instead of sharing my needs, this confuses my partner. I do this when I feel things won't change and think I am powerless.

Instead understand and express what you need

Escape- I physically leave the room. I use selective listening and tune out. I check out emotionally. I get lost online and avoid feeling and dealing with concerns, needs and conflict, so there is no tending and mending.

Instead if you become triggered or overwhelmed let your partner know you need a break and tell them when you will come back to resolve issue and repair. Work on building capacity to hold challenging emotions and build resilience.

If you engage in a BRPE, your partner will likely follow with a BRPE. To stop the negative cycle, simply apologize, we all say things we dont mean when we are upset. Forgive yourself and realize that your relationship is important. Having empathy for yourself and your partner goes along way to resolve conflict. If you find yourself deciding you are right, you might be sacrificing your connection and you will both likely feel distressed until you repair and reconnect.

One pro tip, don't point out your partner's BRPE's instead focus on yourself! You can call for a time out or tell your partner that you are stopping the conversation until you are both calm and can be kinder. If your goal is to be closer, pushing each other away emotionally won't work.


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